Diane came to our group in her early days of loss. With two preschoolers, life required her to move forward as a parent alone, even though she was feeling consumed and overwhelmed with grief. She shared her story. Yes, we wept with her, hugged, and prayed.
She and her husband, Jerry, had just experienced the miracle of the birth of their second child just months before Jerry was killed in a tragic biking accident. One day she was delighting in their growing family with her athletic healthy husband. In one evening, everything changed. Diane was suddenly left not only as the sole caregiver of a four year old and a newborn, but without the love of her life.
It was hard enough for her to get out of bed at all after suffering such a devastating loss, let alone waking up for 3am feedings. She experienced many emotions. Shock, denial, and grief were intense and rocked her world. Left completely alone and extremely overwhelmed, Dianne relied heavily on the help of family and friends.
LIFE AFTER LOSS:
Joyce Rosensteel entered her life, became a wonderful friend and mentor, and introduced her to the widows’ group at her church. Besides coming to the group, they took long walks together, shared family events, and met for coffee or icecream. While Diane would say that Joyce has brought her strength and friendship, Joyce declares that Diane is a huge blessing in her life. Comforting each other has strengthened them both. Yes, Diane considers it a huge blessing to be part of a group of women who provide her comfort and reassurance. We see her already reaching out to the young widows who come with understanding and great wisdom.
Milestones in Diane’s life include vacationing in Disney World as a family of three. She intentionally honors Jerry by talking about him with her children and telling them about the person and Dad that he was.
As we got acquainted, I wanted to make sure I pronounced her last name right. She gave me a precious key to pronunciation and insight into her love for her children. She simply stated that her children are her ‘two rubies.’ Indeed they are!
As she taxis to soccer games, parents, and grows in her faith and strength, one recognizes that God is investing in this precious family.
Diane’s words today, “When I began this journey I was feeling all of this, consumed and overwhelmed, but my faith in the Lord guided me through with his strength and this verse is one I really cherish and realize how true it has been through my grief journey.
You will pass through deep waters. But I will be with you.
You will pass through the rivers. But their waters will not sweep over you.
You will walk through fire. But you will not be burned. The flames will not harm you.
~Isaiah 43:2
Immediately following the accident, her church community and friends and family pulled together to support her and the children by providing meals and household services. Through this experience, she developed some deep new friendships, but also experienced some old friends pull away. A significant moment for Shannon came the first Thanksgiving after the birth of her third child. Traveling to be with family, while rewarding, was exhausting. That night after tucking in her three little ones, she came to this recognition: “I’ll get through this, I’ll be O.K.
LIFE AFTER LOSS:
Three years after Jay’s death, Shannon prayed that she would someday remarry. Not long after, a friend from church introduced Shannon to her brother, Greg, and after dating five weeks, he proposed. They were married within a few months and were blessed with another child who completed their family. They both know without a doubt that this was all God’s plan for them.
“God blessed me with an incredible life, with an incredible man before, but it doesn’t end there with these life changes; tragedy and sadness...He brings you again to a spot that you think you’ll never get to”
~ Shannon Broling
I met Shannon when her household was brimming with their four children, three in their teens, and a very active young foster child as well. She exudes that calm spirit of a woman who knows all will be well. God’s plan is not always easy, but its good. Shannon’s journey is proof.
Her favorite verses today are James 1:2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I was floored. I arrived home before the segment ended and I just sat in the driveway to make sure I heard the entire story. Work consists of serving in the United States Marine Corps. I am the father of two (a teen and a preteen), one of whom is adopted. Since June of this year I've been the primary Caregiver for my elderly parents who are showing signs of dementia and for the past 8 months I've been a widower. Even as a male I identified with much of what Mrs Neff had to say. I notice that many of the people that I tell my story too just clam up and disappear. It's as if the details are too overwhelming. One person was honest enough to admit that he both didn't know what to say to me and didn't know how to face my circumstances so he didn't talk to me anymore. I appreciated his honesty at least. It has been an incredible journey which I find myself on now. One of the comforts I have is that my wife knew the Lord Jesus as her savior and I was able to tell my children that as much as she loved them even if she could come back, having experienced heaven and God's presence, Mommy wouldn't want to. Heaven is that good. Thank you for a great and timely program and I look forward to hearing more from Prime Time America and seeing more from Mrs. Neff. I'll be logging on to her site with great interest. There are many of us widowers with needs as well. Some match what she described, but others I think are subtly different.
Signed- Jo Rozier Isaiah 40:11 -Moody diploma class of '84 My wife was Deltha Rozier (Jefferson) -Moody degree class of '89
And so I connected with Jo Rozier. He passed along the emails he sent his friends on the journey through his wife's illness and departure to heaven and a few months afterward. How I could relate! Those special days, the first Christmas, first Father's Day, or Mother's Day for widowers, each is hard. While obviously I write from a widow's perspective, you can see we're not exclusive here. Thank you, Jo, for writing to me, for being transparent. I know that many will relate to your heart. While I have condensed his story you can not miss that this career Marine is a tenderhearted man of God.
Jo Rozier’s Story HERE
Reading Judy Stremler’s story, you see a faith filled woman beginning her life as a widow and mom to five children. In 2005, Darrell Stremler entered heaven.
In 2008, Bob Venhousen’s wife, Sherri entered heaven leaving him to parent their four children.
On January 2, 2010, I delighted to attend the wedding of Judy Stremler and Bob Venhousen. Their picture tells the story: nine children and now a new daughter-in-law ages twenty five to nine, a blended, blessing filled dozen!
Their new shared life verse says it all.
Psalm 115: 1 “Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.”
Read Judy's story HERE
LaTanya promptly placed a sign on their front door that stated, “God is performing a miracle here, if you doubt, stay out!” He fought hard for three years before making his journey to Heaven. Their two sons were ages 14 and 4 when they lost their dad. LaTanya’s father stepped in to help with the boys and be the male influence that they had lost.
I met LaTanya when she came to my home for a widows event. She brought another widow who was new on her journey. It was evident that LaTanya knew just what this new widow needed. They shared their stories and their real challenges. Every one of us in the room understood. Meeting them, I sensed such spiritual strength and closeness in their unique journey. Between trips to the coffee pot and our brunch table laden with fresh fruit, croissant sandwiches, and homemade breads, we shared stories and those crazy funny things that happen when tragedy and real life collide. We moved from tears of sympathy to tears of humor and happiness. Yes, our humor might seem strange to others, but laughter rolls down, and we’re the richer for it.
LIFE AFTER LOSS:
Years later, LaTanya was introduced to Michael, a dad of three boys. They’re marrying soon, making her the mother of five boys. They are all very excited to begin a new life together as one big family. She signs her emails with these words, “I'm on a pursuit of awesomeness. Excellence is the bare minimum.” And there’s another stirring in LaTanya’s heart. She’s praying about Africa.
Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble, with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ~ II Corinthians 1:4
The Day Life Changed Forever
Ferree Hardy
Ten years ago this very day I woke up thinking it'd be like any other day, but I was a widow by suppertime. It's hard to believe it's been ten years. On one hand it seems like only yesterday, on the other it's like a lifetime.
I was in the kitchen making a salad for supper.
"When's dinner?" Bruce asked.
It was one of the few times everyone was home without any activities lined up. I told him we could have dinner whenever he wanted. He was happy to hear that because he wanted to do some weight-lifting and have the evening to relax after supper. He gave me a hug--a deep, send-my-soul-to-the-stars sort of hug. It wrapped around eternity and intertwined bright pink, green and yellow sparkles and spirals all around me. I loved my husband, my kids, my life . . .
Bruce went down to the basement, and I heard a strange yell from him a few minutes later. When I went to see what he wanted I found him laying straight out on the floor--like he was playing a joke on me.
But it wasn't a joke. My kids called 911. The ambulance came. The police came. They sent us upstairs. They carried Bruce out on a stretcher . . . a doctor met us in that "Quiet Room" at the hospital. (Don't ever go in there).
Life changed forever that day. Widowhood was nothing like I expected. The pain was so deep it was frightening; and then it went deeper still, to a place where tears watered tiny, shriveled up seeds of joy and strength. Did you know they grow best when buried in total darkness? When you can't see them, can't imagine they'll ever appear, God stirs these seeds to life deep within.
And now I host a blog called Widows Christian Place. We talk about the day it happened, the darkness, the seeds of faith that look pretty measly, the strength, and the joy. Plus the practical realities and the help available to deal with “the new normal.” Everyone is welcome. Some widows use it for a few weeks or months; others become long-time friends and join “Lifeboat,” my Facebook group.
Miriam, now when I look back at all the Lord had in store, I can honestly say that the unbelievable pain of widowhood cut deep furrows of joy and knowledge of Heaven in my heart. God’s Word has been my strong medicine and strength, the most unlikely of His people have been sources of grace and support, and God’s leading and perfect timing still work today in my own life and the lives of the many widows I’ve met.
I firmly believe in life after death: eternal life for followers of Christ in Heaven, and a new life for the widow. God has each widow here for a purpose, and it thrills me to help widows discover, blossom and grow as the Lord unfolds His goodness to them. Life is worth living! Even though it can change forever in an instant, God is in control; His mercies are new every morning! Great is His faithfulness—even in the dark.
Kathleen’s Story
My best friend, lover, co-parent, business partner, and husband died of liver cancer on February 12, 2007 — 11 weeks after his diagnosis and shortly before our 19th wedding anniversary. Tom died in my arms, at sunset in our home. Back then, I felt it was the end of my life, too.
Half of me was ripped off and thrown away at Tom’s death. I felt that I had lost my identity with my partner’s departure. Life would never be the same again. Yes, friends and family were there to support me, but my life partner was gone forever. I wanted to crawl into the casket with Tom at the funeral.
In my less than stellar state, I had to start taking care of all the necessary stuff after my husband’s death. Sure, as a professional financial advisor I had helped other new widows with these same tasks, but that was different. It was me now. The work seemed overwhelming. I hated doing all these necessary things at the same time I was starting to accept the fact that my love was never going to walk through our front door again.
During the first weeks after Tom’s death, I functioned in a daze. I cried a lot. Sleep was fitful at best. I couldn’t figure out which side of the bed to sleep on without his strong arms around me. I would wake up in the middle of so many nights, certain his death was just a dream. But then the truth always came crashing in on me again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t concentrate and was forgetful. Where did I put my keys?
Suddenly I had new roles to perform that had always been Tom’s responsibilities. I was clueless about how to get our car serviced, use the gas grill, adjust the lawn watering equipment, and so much more. I was mad at myself for not learning how to do these things while my husband was still alive.
As silly as it may sound, even though I’m a Certified Financial PlannerTM professional, I experienced a few temporary fears about money. Without his social security check and his other consulting income, I also knew I would face greater expenses in the future when I looked at my reduced income and the bills piling up. Plus, I had lost my business partner. But when I started taking control of my financial future, I felt better. It helped a lot to develop a new financial road map designed around my much-changed situation.
I’m now in my fourth year of widowhood. Tom’s death certainly was not an experience expected to happen shortly after my 60th birthday, but I have grown and continue to learn on my journey of widowhood. I can’t go back to my former life and the man I loved.
“I will keep moving forward, and I’m here to encourage you to do the same as you make progress in your new life ahead.” ~Kathleen M. Rehl
All I Need from Miriam Neff on Vimeo.
Written by Miriam Neff in Africa. Sung by Babbie Mason.
2. Please do say you are sorry for our loss. We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than tell us your story of loosing your friend or even close relative We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now. Do not tell us you understand.
3. Do call and ask specifically, “Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee? Do not say, “Call me if you need anything.”
4. Do refer to our husband’s acts or words—serious or humorous. We are so comforted by knowing our husband has not been forgotten. Do not leave our husbands out of the conversation.
5. Invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couples events.
6. Do accept that we are where we are. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Again our experiences are so different, as are we. So is our journey through grief. Do not assume we go through the outlined grief process ‘by the book.’
7. Walk the talk. Do not make ‘conversation only’ offers. “We’ll call you and we’ll go out to dinner.”—and then not follow up. Yes, we are sensitive in our grieving, but we’d rather hear you say, “I’ve been thinking of you.” than make a ‘conversation only’ offer.
